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5- Hamsters don’t have cheeks

17 Feb

Bonjour fellow humans, you have come back to be enlightened by the thoughts that fly around my head! The very first and new blog of 2017. Let me know what you think, so sit back or down and enjoy. 
So what turns out to be a shite week, my fucking bank card was cloned and used in Abu Dhabi to the sum of 175 pounds. I brought my usual morning paper, kit Kat and flat white, which I had to put the massive sum of £3.60 on my debit card. Little did I know only a few hours later I would be taking a phone call from Barclays asking me if I was in Abu Dhabi and could I confirm I’ve spent 175 English pounds in a shop. You can imagine my glee and joyful response back to the bank when I replied….

“no mate, I’m in Woking on an industrial estate eating a bacon and egg roll”
“Ahh, well sir we’ve cancelled your bank card for you, to stop this from happening again”
Brilliant end to the week I thought, as I’ve just funded a fucking IED packed skoda into the Middle East!! 
Can see Isis now, holding their very own comic relief type style telly programme asking for donations and showing short videos of English people going about their early morning commute. 
“Here we see Mr Parker and his work colleagues taking in their morning meeting. For just a £3 pound donation, we can end this suffering and misery for Mr Parker.”
It’d cut later in the programme to the host, Mr Isis Lenny Henry giving a mid show totaliser up on the jumbotron. 
“We’ve had some amazing donations in the last hour, especially from a Mr Slater in Oxfordshire who has funded this mortar and hand written message on the side, to be aimed at the American military over on that hill, a thousand thank you Mr Slater”

Anyway, swiftly moving on as quick as the winner from the voice does and to keep you wanting more I’ll post up another one very soon which may contain dittys such as “Nothing can set you up for being turned down by a fat bird”, “Facebook status raping has changed since I was a kid” and that all important topic “Darts in the kitchen as a kid and the double folded towel”

Im over on twitter @notmartinclunes, come join me for gentle joshing. 😘

4-Turtles are nocturnal

17 Feb

So i thought id put a few words down as like a 70’s TV star i’ve been keeping very quiet!

Went shopping today with the new treacle to show her i am a modern man and that i will happily walk behind her like louie walsh does to simon cowell and carry his bag, i mean her bags. You walk into the 1,000,000 shop to look at clothes,shoes,shit and god knows what else, and you are greeted by what looks like a scene out of saving private ryan. Men are littered all over the shop leaning on clothes racks fully loaded with dorothy perkins shopping bags with that look on their face of “if i can get to B&Q i can buy some rope and end this misery”. These places need sofas in the shop, that way men will have somewhere to congregate to discuss the finer points of why england football shanked another big tournament. Why wayne rooney is clearly past his best in a football shirt and should just go back to working in greggs instead of eating the place! 

Failing that, a fully stocked bar in which men can be happily stood with a cold one, knowing their treacle is happily shopping surrounded by her own kind. She is then under no rush to find what she wants. She can chill try on as many pairs of heels, flats, shoes, pumps as she wants leaving her man to have as many beers which are accompanied by vast bowls of nuts, In the time it takes her to try on that Black top you’ve seen in 4 OTHER SHOPS!!
As you walk around these shops you see these men that have taken the day to spend walking around and being loaded up with bags like spanish donkeys. This is all part of a unwritten rule that man knows is going to happen when he gets his treacle home and what she is going to give him, the thank you blow job. You nod knowingly towards the other men, whilst staying silent, giving a little grin in their direction of the mutual appreciation of them giving up their time to earn this late afternoon delight. Whilst this is happening you are in constant fear of being that bloke on the receiving end of your treacle hollering from the other side of primark…
“ere babe, does this go with my red jeans at home and be honest”….
“yeah it looks really good that babe, brings out the natural color in your eyes………. ** under the breath** “fucking shut up!! 

I can be found at @notmartinclunes on all forms of social media, of me being and saying stuff by me…. so from me… bye!