1- Flamingos are alcoholics

As I sit and write this I am in the midst of fighting a horrible disease that makes mens bollocks shrivel at the thought of……man flu……
Its a terrible diesese that has claimed many a man stopping them from going to work, doing the big shop with their lady friend, dinner with the in-laws and going to the dentist for a root canal. So i have taken drastic measures in which to shift it and in no particular order I have attempted the following.
I’ve laid on the sofa for hours on end watching shite telly, moan to anybody that will listen that I am seriously ill and I’m in need of chicken soup and a cuddle, wanking every 45 minutes whilst looking at the knickers page in the lodgers littlewoods catalogue (my lodger is a proper girl with tits and everything), playing fifa12 which I have succeed to get oxford into the championship…..
Three days this has been spread over and the only thing to come out of the whole process is that A; I smell and B; I need to buy more loo roll and wash/buy more socks!!!
I am now going to touch on something that will divide all that read this and I’m sorry not sorry because I’m a man and it annoys me….slow people…..you are either one of these moronic people, or you are like me and wanting to walk/drive/cycle at a good pace with out the need or hindrance of these people being on this planet and holding you up from doing your daily grind. You are exempt from this if you’re at a age where you remember when jim callaghan was prime minister, brylcream was bigger than david beckham and the cost of a pint wasn’t the price of a one bed flat in chelsea!! The government should put this as an extra tax and its a tax I would quite happily pay to enable myself to go about my daily routine without being slowed down by some chav whose trackies are that low he is struggling to walk because the elastic band on his donnay trackies are stopping his legs functioning properly and hopefully he falls over breaks his heavily tattooed neck which bears the names of his 6 children and his area code from which he is ‘representing’!!
The tax would enable local councils to make pathways like a motorway systems with overtaking encouraged and no speed limit in place which would then stop the ozone layer being ruined even more by the constant screams of somebody shouting ‘get out of my faaaaccking way you paaarrrick!!!!!!!!!’ So for this reason this is why I am going to stand for prime minister because somebody with this much sensible thinking has got to be worth a go even if I would treat it like shits and giggles and number ten would end up the worlds best lads gaff ever,fact!! My manifesto shall consist of ten things( piece of paper with what I would do to make this country great again written on it )…..
1. The above argument 2. Pound a pint regardless of time of day with free pork scratchings 3. Birds must wear a banner round their neck so it hangs down there back giving a score out of ten so men know if its safe to shout the obligatory OI OI TREACLE,SHOW US YA MONKEYS FOREHEAD 4. Once you reach 60 you must go into a home so not to clog up the streets with your constant fucking moaning about the youth of today 5. Mcdonalds will do delivery’s 6. Lunch times will be three hours long 7. Every night club to have a minger mirror, so you don’t end up shit faced round fat Tracey’s bedsit wondering why you got a two-year old toddler staring at you from the end of the bed asking for its coco pops 8. KFC to reveal that annoying fucking secret recipe 9. The whole entire royal family will have a job at various places with harry and his cock of a brother both working the tills at superdrug!(second thoughts the words super and drug will have harry clucking) 10. A bastard bank holiday every month so in coincides with pay-day so we can all get drunk on a tenner, eat a kebab and go home with a bird that’s got a board saying ‘I am a 7 out of 10’!!
I am open to debate on any of these matters or indeed ramblings I have done so come join me @notmartinclunes so for now, let’s get boozy!!