3- Dogs are women’s best friend

17 Feb

Number three so soon after number two, I am spoiling you like Jimmy saville spoiled his guests. 
As i sit and write this the country has gone mental about the above mentioned and he has become the biggest “suspected” peado since my old geography teacher, and now everybody is suddenly coming out the wood work saying they have been subjected to jimmys now then now then’s a bit to much, and he isn’t the golden angel he painted himself out to be. Makes me think back to my childhood on who else could of been dodgy around under 8’s and the list is endless. The cast of rainbow, pat sharpe and his fun house (clue is in the title, the twins were just a cover up), Bodger and badger to name a couple. It all points to peter pan being a victim of the highest order. Think about it, he wants to stay a boy for the rest of his life and live in amongst the lost boys with a fairy for a best friend. 
Soooo Christmas is here, and is wanted by me as much as I want to be subjected to a middle digit up the bum hole by a one night stand, a close up of seeing my dads ball bag hanging down between his legs when he was trying to put his long johns on or seeing marley and me again (I cried like a teenager being told they can’t have another WKD blue!) Don’t get me wrong Christmas is nice and is all  family orientated but jesus wept, can’t we wait till at least December to start putting lights up, saying merry Christmas, or seeing family members you don’t want to see during the other 11 months of the year and end up isle dodging down the local supermarket! You are then subjected to Uncle Steve and his wife Fiona, who is dressed up like the winning horse in the national. She got the big fur coat and 68 inch heels waltzing around the front room like she is a contestant on strictly, pouting like she has just eaten a haribo tang tasctic and will only sit down when the chair is pulled out for her by Uncle Steve whilst drinking her glass of Buck’s Fizz. 
I have recently been on a few dates from such a website called plenty of fish. Its people watching but you actually end up talking to them face to face over a coffee, or if they are really fit then a Chloroform filled bunch of flowers. 

So i clicked on this one girl and read her profile with great intent and ended up having a wank, I mean I perused at her pictures to see what she is all about. She was good looking, seemed logical thinking and didn’t come across as a rose west type character so after a few messages  we decided to meet. The day come around as quick as Linford Christies bollocks swung back and forth whilst running, and we had agreed to meet in a pub on the out skirts of Luton (fuck me, Luton) The ‘date’ proceeded with out hitch for the first ten minutes then that’s until she started to talk like Vickie pollard on speed! Now I love a good swear word but fuck me this girl could make Gordon Ramsey look like a choir boy!

I learnt my lessons from that date….

A; Do not go to the out skirts of Luton, ever!

B; Don’t go to the out skirts of Luton, ever and with out speaking on the phone first, as you will end up leaving twenty minutes later after running out the pub saying your just going to the toilet!

C; Don’t wear your favourite coat

D; I didn’t know how much i loved that coat until your driving out of Luton going ‘i loved that coat like i love cheesy chips’!

E; Don’t wear a coat on a first date.

F; Should of took the flowers
I bid you goodbye and wish you a merry xmas and this can be discussed with me on twittor @notmartinclunes 


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